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Day two and I’m fucking exhausted already. Due to circumstances with my schlong there may not be a day three (possibly four) but don’t worry I’ll capture everything and do a big review afterwards.

Crisis of Design Consistency

Yesterday the Conservatives issued a very well done pastel image that was lauded by Saltcon for its creative design and production quality. We didn’t anticipate that winning Saltcon awards was so desired that people would then go and copy that design. We won’t say anymore but have a look for yourself at the photoshop-based twattery currently ongoing.

Best Images

No idea what it is about this image, it just sings to me, well executed you twat
Slick enough to oil a grease monkeys hair, well done
This sings to me, well put together.

Worst Images

If you’re going to play billy big bollocks and use real-life mockup tools, make them look realistic
I can’t tell if I’m about to join a neo-ecological hacker group or if someone just whipped out a blur tool by accident

Video Review

One video today! There was another but the precious fop has ignored my warnings about not uploading it to Youtube so fuck him.

I’ve honestly no idea what to think really, did any effort actually go into it? Is it a meme? Is it an injoke? Is it a serious attempt? Only the baboon that made it can tell, but its a fucking awful video either way because if its a meme it’s not obvious and if its a serious video its fucking poorly done. 0/10, see me after class for a glass of fosters and a spanking.

Twitter Review

Maybe I’ll get rid of this section, nothing but petty boring policy bickering happens on twitter.

Clib Red Lines

We received the weirdest fucking message today which some pushy twat forced into our hand while our head chimp was wandering around Westminster wondering where the subsidised bar was. We’ve transcribed the message below

“The LPUK have endorsed the Classical Liberal Party across the country, we wanted to ensure as many candidates that are right-leaning were elected. Cumbria and Lancashire North was a red line for further cooperation so we worked in the national interest and the parties interest to maximise the representation of liberty-oriented candidates up and down the country. If our supporters are not happy with specific candidates, then I urge them to use their conscience and do what they think is right.”

So what does this mean? It essentially means that in order to get endorsements from the Classical Liberals the LPUK was bullied into supporting Duncs11 in Cumbria, which either means the CLibs are scared or they’re so fucking ballsy with their negotiating that TwistedNuke now just carries around a giant sack on his back (like a gay santa claus). Either way it’s pretty fucking funny that the ego of the CLibs rests so heavily on Duncs11.

Campaign Review

Conservative candidate thinks he’s funny by humming a political song *pretending* he doesn’t know his microphone is on.

Classical Liberal NateLooney does the most american campaign event ever featuring lapel pins, chairs at an outdoor “rally”, chiefs of staff, press secretaries (nobody in the UK has these two things unless they’re very high up) and his smiling nuclear family.

Labour politician drags crowds out into the pouring fucking rain to hear him recite his nursery poem and fuck off two minutes later.

Broadmoor resident HenryJohnTemple does a normal campaign post, with a normal speech and a perfectly generic outtro.

Climate Rebellions only candidate thinks he can draw a crowd of over 1,000 people naturally, when we all know he paid for them.

(META) Classical Liberal people roleplaying politicians, roleplay politicians roleplaying LARPists who are roleplaying Knights in a cult of personality dedicated to a person roleplaying a politician

Campaign Expenditure (Meta)

We will be discontinuing this as its taken almost 6 hours total to tot up the totals just for today and I simply can’t cope with the overbearing pressure of being this fucking sad.

What we will publish is the figures we already accumulated, by party.

  • Classical Liberals – £5,006,379.90
  • Climate Rebellion – £2,271.29
  • Greens – £1,393.79
  • Labour – £66,330.73
  • Liberals – £6,748.74
  • LPUK – £6,408.11
  • Conservatives – £738,984.58

The funniest overspends were

  • Saunders16 spending £5mil on glossy magazines to every constituent in Essex
  • Duncs11 spending £3k on tech to show his body all over Cumbria
  • ToastinRussian spending £725k sending a direct mail marketing card to 712,000 households in Kent

What have we learned? It’s important to be specific when writing campaign posts and it’s important for Nub to stop underestimating how much you tossers post.

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