‘Ey up chuck. We’re gonna do this old school style. As usual some shit hot (read: fucking awful) graphic design and typography has crawled out of Party HQ this week as Manifestos have been released.

So what we aim to do, rather than condescendingly tell the public to read the Manifestos which are filled with content from /r/iamverysmart, we here at SALTCON are going to do it for them and reveal a couple of policies in each manifesto that made our Editor snort his coffee cocaine when he saw it.

Conservatives

Our contract to the country – So good they added it twice on two separate title pages. SEVEN pages of introduction and title and forewords. Fuck off.

A global liberal conservative foreign policy – Say it five times fast, if you record yourself doing it I’ll send you £1 at some point in the not too distant future.

We will classify sexual assault as a “very serious crime” – This is a legit policy but holy shit how fucking stupid does it sound. Detective Inspector Leafy standing over you as you lay bloody and abused saying “this is a very serious crime” as he strokes his chin.

Labour

We waited several days, for Labours design team to make the manifesto “pretty” and then they fucking show up with THIS SHIT, full of artifacts. FUCK OFF.


Measure Gross National Happiness – One step away from dishing out happy pills with your morning weetabix, christ alive

Introduce a tiny Tobin, or Robin Hood, Tax – Have you got a fucking stutter? Whats with the fucking COMMAS.

Support retaining the Trident nuclear defence system but offer
our MPs a free vote
– Support it so much that you don’t actually support it and will leave it down to each individual MP? I support the use of Rice Krispies in Enhanced Interrogation and I WILL demand all Saltcon staff vote for it. Thats support.

Green Party

They didn’t bother releasing a manifesto yet, the platoon of neo-liberal oil hawks.

Liberal Democrats

Cut beer duty by 3p – Scared of the Libertarians? SIN TAXES REEEEEE.

Creation of a new ‘Cyber Defence Corps’ – Currys PCWorld Geek Squad just got a massive upgrade, no longer will your TV be discarded outside of warranty.

Increased connectivity between Britain’s major conurbations – Did I stumble into the Countdown studio? Is Rachel Riley teasing me with some latex and the word game? What ordinary fella knows what a conurbation is? I fucking don’t

Classical Liberals

We continue to support the existence of the National Health Service – Oh. How kind of you. As opposed to the throngs of people wanting it dismantled, right?

Proscribe businesses that pose a serious threat to the security or infrastructure of the United Kingdom – Starbucks better watch the fuck out, Virgin Media is next.

We will recognise the need for the reintroduction of Carbon taxation – Okay, but what will you actually do? Just hold a little seminar where you recognise the need? This is peak CLib political signalling.

Libertarian Party

Dare to dream, a new dawn is breaking on the United Kingdom. At last, the United Kingdom is leaving the European Union – Their colour is purple, they have a cult of personality around their leader and they support Brexit using weird quotes about new dawns. HOLY SHIT THE LPUK IS UKIP. REINCARNATE

(We are gonna sell shares in Government owned banks) We shall follow suit with Northern Rock and RBS once the price is right. – This isn’t a big gotcha but it showcases a total lack of research. Northern Rock no longer exists, it’s successor isn’t a bank it’s an asset management/debt collection company and its sole goal is to close remaining mortgage debts by 2021 (I worked for Northern Rock Asset Management until about two months ago), it has very few assets and its shares are probably worthlessT

Hristos Doucouliagos and Martin Paldam, examined all the
literature on the matter and conclude that most analyses show no
efects from aid. – Did they both pay you for the name drop too? Some sketchy sites linked to back this up as well.

Communist League of Great Britain

NEWBIE ALERT

Introduction of a Profiteering Tax that targets businesses that clearly and severely exploit workers, be they workers of the UK or elsewhere – mfw the UK Arm of Nike is fined because its American cousin wanted cheap sneakers making

Meet all recommended funding for NHS, police, education – Wait, it’s this simple? Whose recommendations? Job done, off we fuck.

The United Kingdom is by definition a neo-feudal state. – Mi’lord

Plain Cymru

Plaid Cymru is the loudest party in Westminster – The only party** for wales.

This will be a growing economy where everyone benefits –not just the richest 1%  – Plaid confirm that the richest 1% will also benefit! Centre left politics in action!!! DOWN WITH THE BOURGEOIIOEUESE

I literally can’t read anymore of this manifesto, it’s just fucking reems upon reems of fucking black text, even lecturers would get bored of this

Bonus Points: “Wales is standing on the biggest crossroad” – Insert “x is standing at a crossroads cliche here

Something New!

Oh fuck me an exclamation mark

Left and Right are just directions for us. – And the rest of us buddy, but your manifesto is solidly techno-left

The longest single section in this manifesto is on the legalisation of sex work, followed by the section on insulating your house. These guys are perverts who are trying to soundproof their houses.

Achieve a worldwide commitment to end death sentences by 2020 – Cute, but you’ve got 11 Months to end the death sentence globally. Good luck you mad bastard

BEST

Conservatives – /u/Leafy_Emerald

The production quality, thought into the text is all just fucking amazing as usual. These guys have really nailed manifesto creation and are as consistent as my pancake mixture.

WORST

Plain Cymru – /u/ViktorHR

God it just fucking sucks to read, it really does. Just pages upon pages of dull text that upsets my eyes. You can’t tell me you had fun with this, right? This is meant to be about FUN.

SILLIEST

Communist League of Great Britain – Someone

Radical, Silly and almost completely unachievable for a group running a grand total of one candidate, why bother with all that? Just release a local manifesto and save us all the time, maybe focus on nationalising the local off-licence or something.

NO SILLYNESS ALLOWED

Classical Liberals – /u/Twistednuke

It was just a bit dry and all business, they’re clearing trying to slide into the Tory production quality bracket but don’t have someone who can spice it up (much like last years Tory manifesto) it even included quotes from notable Classical Liberals Tony Blair and Bernie Sanders.

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