So it is Manifesto season, which means some pretty suspect graphic design and grammar crawl out of the woodwork, but for the majority of the British Public, nothing has happened.
So what we aim to do, rather than condescendingly tell the public to read the Manifestos which are filled with content from /r/iamverysmart, we here at SALTCON are going to do it for them and reveal the three policies in each manifesto that made our Editor snort his coffee when he saw it.
- We will expand PCSOs
Really? Those poor fellas don’t need any more cakes, now you want to force the cake on them? Do the Tories have shares in big & tall clothing companies?
- We will remove the requirement for ISPs to block sites with adult content
Finally, we’re going to get our viewing figures back up.
- We will create a group to research the effect of social media on young people
Have you considered just…. talking to a Young Person?
- Labour will introduce Central Bank Digital Currency
Does anyone other than senior banking officials know what this is? I certainly don’t.
- We will encourage low earning people to save money by paying 20p into their savings account for each pound they deposit each month, up to the first £20.
So the labour party, to encourage you to make savings and plan for the future will give you £4? Costa del Sol, here I come!
- We will call on Israel to cease building illegal settlements in the West Bank and to withdraw from all occupied Palestinian territory
This has worked for the last twenty years.
I can’t do this one because somehow they’ve made their Manifesto entirely non-copypastable, all I get when copying is 5 $”64&4 46#45″/5*”–: -&44 &/7*30/.&/5″- %”.”(& 50 3&1″*3
“/ 0-% #6*-%*/( 8)&/ $0.1″3&% 50 #6*-%*/( ’30. /&8
Be warned British Public, don’t trust the people that cannot use the copy function.
National Unionist Party
- We will nationalise the Royal Mail
Our Editor was shocked when our researchers told him that seven progressive left-wing governments (some with near majorities) had totally forgotten about this and failed to renationalize. Points to /u/britboy3456
- The National Unionist Party will make it a requirement for care homes to meet certain standards
They already have high standards that are enforced vigorously, it’s just that nobody seems to meet them.
- Tobin Tax, Pigouvian Taxes
Nobody knows what any of this means. Least of all someone who didn’t go to Oxbridge to study Economics (the public)
- We will make the reduction of recidivism rates
A reduction in what?
- To provide stability to Northern Ireland, we will commit to non-sectarian politics
You and……… everyone else? I’m glad you stated this, for a moment there I thought you were going to reinstall British Troops.
- Make CCTV cameras in slaughterhouses mandatory
Oh, the poor bastard that has to monitor those.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-36y46sPxRM Sorry I had to
- This isn’t a manifesto point but for fuck’s sake
- End the scourage of hidden taxation – taxes such as the BBC License Fee
This definitely isn’t a hidden tax, it also doesn’t show on a “tax bill”
- Amend the policy of Jus Soli citizenship within the United Kingdom
I prefer my Pasta with a more tomato-based sauce.
- Protect the peace process within Northern Ireland, uphold the Good Friday Agreement
Another party who I thought were going to start reenacting Bloody Sunday, I’m sure glad they’ve clarified that they won’t.
- The Libertarians will abolish the Department for Culture Media and Sport.
This must be part of their plan to Americanize us, abolish our museums and then install McDonald’s instead.
- Make high-frequency mosquito devices illegal. These unfairly target young people and infringe on the rights of the individual.
“We’re not a daddy knows best party, but daddy knows best so we will ban this harmless, but somewhat annoying device, so stop using those gizmos young’in!”
- The Libertarian Party will abolish the green belt.
What is on the page after this?
Defending the environment
Scottish Nationalist Party
- Work with the Scottish Government, Visit Scotland, Scottish Development International and UK departments to secure an expansion of international flights to and from Scotland, opening up new markets for trade and tourism;
Surely if you get elected, you will be the Scottish Government? Are you pledging to work with yourselves and your affiliated agencies? Gasp!
- To be in the driving seat of our own destiny
- We are strongly opposed to the Trident Nuclear Weapons system. It is time to disband this obscene Cold War Relic
Relic? Trident: +10 STR, +2 RES, -3 INT, applies burning damage to all attacks
- We will use the power of new technology – in particular, digital technology and genomics to create a new personalised system of precision medicine for every citizen.
- We support the decriminalisation of cannabis. The resources used policing the illegality of cannabis should be diverted into education and information programmes which aim to keep people safe from harm.
Our researches inform us that cannabis, along with a slew of other drugs were decriminalized so long ago that even the Tories accept legalized drugs as a tradition
- If older people wish to find work after reaching pensionable age then they should be supported to do so and we will work with employers to ensure this.
The year is 2039, employers everywhere are being sued after Norman broke his hip while building a community centre.
I can’t copy and paste this one at all, it won’t even let me highlight and select. But one thing I wanted to point out was this stormer
- Long-term youth unemployment will be targeted by ensuring anyone under the age of 25 for more than six months is offered opportunities.
Now don’t get me wrong, but I’m pretty sure that most under 25-year-olds spend significantly more than six months being under 25.
- Ending the expansion of our roads and raising the tax on fuel
Fewer roads for more money, just what the motorist and commuter vote wanted
- C-Card, which would be able to be redeemed at any drug store or pharmacy for free contraception, provided a set amount of time has passed since the last redemption.
Free contraception, unless you’re a dirty bugger who shags more than once every solar cycle
- Fund the development of the male contraceptive gel.
For a party called One Love they’re determined to cock-block everyone, condoms are awkward enough, pissing about with a gel while your bird waits spread-eagled? Christ.
The first three pages of this manifesto are dedicated to the Elderly. Now I know the elderly turn out to vote more than anyone but this really takes the doily. Paging /u/BloodyContrary as these policies apply to him.
- SECRETARY OF STATE FOR THE ELDERLY
I don’t even have a comment for this.
- Text on all ballot papers must be big enough for all to read. We will ensure that the text size on our ballot papers is increased to such a degree that more of our society may read them and thus partcipate in the electon.
In an age of global warming and Brexit, this is a prime policy of EcoFut. Seriously.
- We support the decriminalisaton of hard drugs but not their legalisaton. However, we are in favour of the legalisaton of sof drugs.
Another one who has forgotten history, this is already done.
Peoples Action Party
I really don’t have enough time to post everything in this manifesto.
- The abolition of business taxes across the board
- Introduce wage subsidies for low-income workers, rewarding those who work hard to earn more, not taxing away their gains at a rate of 50% or higher
You could’ve just said benefits.
- Outside of the Laws, All is Sterile and Dead
Disney’s attempt at creating a political villain has gone a bit haywire.
The Regional Alliance Party
- Every news outlet and person will have the right to express any opinion
Cheers. I’m not sure what that changes, but cheers.
- The abolishment of reformation of the House of Lords.
All you reformers out there better be wary, you’re about to be abolished!
- The promotion of real populism bringing mp’s salary down and the common man’s salary up.
At least he’s honest about being a populist.
So what is the SALTCON League Table for Manifestos this year? How do we rank them?
Should we rank them as Best to Worst, Silliest to Non-Silliest? Extreme to Moderate? Well, we decided to half-ass it, so here.
Liberal Democrats – /u/thenoheart
Honestly I had to struggle to find things to latch onto here, the way it is presented and built is just great.
Scottish National Party – /u/wiredcookie1
A Manifesto completely unchanged since it was originally posted on the 7th of February, filled with glaring inconsistencies, pointless point scoring and overall a huge lack in any content (this is their animal welfare section!)
Peoples Action Party – /u/Zoto888
This has to be the Peoples Action Party, I mean just read the manifesto. It’s so extreme, yet so villainesque, I really feel like I’m reading Scars manifesto for Parliament.
No Sillyness allowed
The Conservative Party – /u/leafyemerald
The Conservatives. Hands down. I read this and envision its come from geogg, the middle management manager. What happened to the party of nationalising Tesco and protecting Sand Dunes?
Thanks for reading, let us know what you think in the comments below.