Day two my lovely cha-cha sliders, we’ve got the big beasts today. But first I’d like to give a shoutout for /u/Tilerr for being phenomenally incompetent to the point of accidentally releasing his own manifesto review. On the plus side, he mentioned Saltcon in it, which means we’re now officially quad endorsed and you all owe us a £5 subscription fee.

In the coming article you’ll find the following metrics:

  • Design – Out of 5, How pretty is it? Is the formatting good? How is the use of colour?
  • Spotlight – A quick look at the manifestos stupidest moments, because if we judge a nation by it’s poorest then why not a manifesto?
  • Reading Age– Special for the national election, what reading age is needed to read the manifesto, is it filled with stupid fucking words and phrases nobody uses or understands to make the writer seem smarter? Ideal reading age is around a solid Year 10, anything above is trying to hard, anything below was done by an imbecile.
  • Freebies – Any free stuff for our editor?
  • Overall – Out of 5

Sadly, there are too many of you fuckers making manifestos (get a life?), there are now fifteen in total. So I’ll do a part one and a part two, to save my sanity.

Classical Liberals

I said I wouldn’t review this because it’s on Issuu but Tommy was kind enough to beg on his knees and offer me his firstborn as well as a PDF Version.

Design – 4 out of 5. Great colour scheme, well used and clearly laid out with images and nice coloured boxes. Spacing lets it down though, everything feels a bit cramped, like Madeleine.

Reading Age – Philosophy, Politics and Economics Graduate from Oxford University with a first (by far the worst manifesto to read for someone who isn’t a Special Advisor in Politics)

Freebies – A 96 page glossary of terms for all the complex and complicated acronyms, phrases and policies in the manifesto

Spotlight:

  • We believe this fiscal chicanery should end – Points for the use of chicanery hahahahahaha
  • Department for Digital Innovation, Business and Skills (DIBS) – Is this a comedy sketch or a manifesto? During Cabinet reshuffles who can call dibs on DIBS?
  • We will peg the rights of European Nationals – Classical Liberals endorse pegging
  • Finally, we will offer free, unconditional citizenship to all those who have worked for or directly alongside Her Majesty’s Armed Forces, starting with the interpreters who were vital in overseas conflict, saving lives both of British soldiers and innocent civilians – I already did this as a motion years ago and the Government confirmed it.

Overall – 1 out of 5

Plaid Cymru

Design – 3 out of 5, Nice colour, clear graphical use but a bit plain jane

Reading Age – A dumbass year 8 who only cares for devolution and local nationalism

Freebies – Sheep insemination lessons

Spotlight:

  • “To live in wales is to be conscious at dusk of the spilled blood that went into making of the wild sky” – What the fuck, I didn’t sign up for philosophy
  • We shouldn’t stand idlily – DILLY DILLY
  • vote Plaid twice. – Someone remind me the definition of electoral fraud
  • Plaid Cymru supports a Confederal UK – But the South and the North are already at war anyway?
  • Overall – 2 out of 5

The Peoples Movement

Design – 1 out of 5, while the colour scheme “works” it’s quite jarring to observe, especially with photographic backgrounds.

Reading Age – 15 Year old Internet Activist with dreadlocks and a permanent Glastonbury ticket

Freebies – Memories

Spotlight:

  • Draconian requirements – Love the word draconian
  • When the work a community does simply leads to profits siphoned away to the tax haven du jour – Excuse you? Did you just fart?
  • Guide the UK through a period of controlled degrowth – Nevermind, I clearly see you actually shit the bed instead, you want degrowth?!
  • Bringing back to the UK the likes of Pine Martens, Lynx, and Wolves – This and the cat logo is making me think that TPM masturbates to the Twilight Saga and writes furry fanfic on the web (I support Jacob and Edward, Jakeward). Also fucking WOLVES.
  • We are still in the depressing habit of setting our national parks on fire – What? Are you mad
  • The fact that some people deny the existence of the gender pay gap – Ask our other Editor Mrs. Baffles, she will tell you she deserves to get half of what I get. Mainly because she burned the lasagne she was making me for tea last night. Fcking useless woman
  • No direct mention of Cornwall, which isn’t a country, more a cuntry.

Overall – 2 out of 5

Conservative Party

Design – 5 out of 5, beautifully produced as fucking always. Slightly blurry anime opener but completely forgivable when linked with the rest. Page 5 is so simple and powerful that it’s fucking inspired.

Reading Age – Reddit Model House of Commons Member of Parliament

Freebies – Some cash that I’m no longer spending on National Insurance

Spotlight:

  • We recognise the importance of free expression and will not further restrict free speech – Some of the LPUK creeping in here
  • Work to promote a new economic golden age in UK-China relations – I wondered why the Government had mysteriously bought my 770kg stash of Opium
  • Take solid action to tackle loneliness in society – Dear god do I need this
  • There is more Cornwall specific and supporting content in this Manifesto than in The Peoples Movement Manifesto, sorry Jasmine
  • They claim to support Sin Taxes, but the budget released less than a month ago cut sin taxes. An interesting conundrum.

Overall – 4 out of 5

Libertarian Party

Design – 2 out of 5, Absolutely no brand loyalty. Different colours for each section might sound like a good idea but it’s just messy and gets confusing. Also the colours don’t all work with the LPUK purple. I also think the dividers are a bit too thick on the tables.

Reading Age– A clever year 10

Freebies – Lots and lots of tax money it seems

Spotlight:

  • A record of delivery, a promise of more – Hang on a second, that’s the Conservative tagline…
  • The economy section is literally nothing but tax cuts, and most of the policy looks suspiciously copied from the Tax Payers Alliance website…Who funds you Fried?
  • Privatisation of the BBC – That’s one way to cut the licence fee
  • Merging the Department for BIS into the treasury –I’m upset because these fucking morons over at the Treasury, these people, they are so paranoid. If you don’t tell them about stuff like this, if you don’t even cc them an email, they think you’ve started a palace coup!
  • Foreign nationals will have to prove the primary purpose of their marriage isn’t British Citizenship – But how do you prove love? Obviously the LPUK wouldn’t know, the only love they see is their mothers
  • We will notify innocent people who have been placed under targeted surveillance, but only where it does not jeopardise the operation – So… never? Because it will ALWAYS jeopardise the operation if you tell the dude you’re watching that you’re watching him. Moron.

Overall – 3 out of 5

English Regionalists

Design – -5 out of 5, No effort. Text on a document

Reading Age – A 9 year old bored in Geography

Freebies – Fuck all

Spotlight:

  • Nothing to spotlight, it’s the dullest manifesto since God published his 10 commandments

Overall – -1 out of 5

What a bore. What a total fucking bore of a day. Thank god for the Tories and their decent design work.

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