(many thank to viljo for graphic)

Welcome to the now not new but I guess I’m gonna call it new Manifesto review thread! We have spent all year (read half an hour) coming up with a fantastic new way to grade and rate the Manifestos released by these shitheaps we call parties.

In the coming article you’ll find the following metrics:

  • Design – Out of 5, How pretty is it? Is the formatting good? How is the use of colour?
  • Spotlight – A quick look at the manifestos stupidest moments, because if we judge a nation by it’s poorest then why not a manifesto?
  • Reading Age– Special for the national election, what reading age is needed to read the manifesto, is it filled with stupid fucking words and phrases nobody uses or understands to make the writer seem smarter? Ideal reading age is around a solid Year 10, anything above is trying to hard, anything below was done by an imbecile.
  • Freebies – Any free stuff for our editor?
  • Overall – Out of 5

Sadly, there are too many of you fuckers making manifestos (get a life?), there are now fifteen in total. So I’ll do a part one and a part two, to save my sanity.

Democratic Reformist Front

The peoples front of Judea!

Design – 0 out of 5, Utterly terrible colour scheme for a party that wants to be serious, awful gradients and pictures with the white boxes still on. Also for a party that wants to annihilate tradition, why are you using a serif’d font, the font of traditionalism and the old school!

Reading Age – Kissing your year 9 crush behind the school bins

Freebies – A beheading for being a noble Lord.

Spotlight:

  • Many know me as a moderate conservative – What the FUCK, you’re not a conservative at all if you support Monarchy Abolition and House of Lords reform, unless you’re a dumb-ass fucking Yank.
  • A president, a senate, a republic – Can someone get the Birth Certificates for these guys? I’m pretty sure they won’t have been born this side of the Atlantic.
  • The royal family will, under the DRF’s plan, have one year to accept monetary payment for the Buckingham Palace at fair market value – I’ll give you a packet of cheese and onion walkers, some string and a go on Shy Tina round the back of the local Wetherspoons.

Overall – 1 out of 5

Liberal Democrats

Design – 3 out of 5, On brand, on style but nothing eye-popping

Reading Age – A sleepy year 11

Freebies – None

Spotlight:

  • I am a penguin born in the British Antarctic Territories Lib Dem furries, are we really fucking surprised?
  • Focus on transhumanist developments such as biotechnology, genetic engineering, etc. – What is the etc? Is it cloning? AI Chips in Human brains? CCTV Cameras in our eyes?! WHERE DOES IT END
  • We will legislate to implement a Citizen’s AssemblyAVENGERS. ASSEMBLE!
  • Overall – 2 out of 5

DUP

Design – 0 out of 5, Images rotated to edgy angles, a bright pink background with white text, a pixellated letter at the end, poor wrapping on the text. Fucking abomination.

Reading Age – Kindergartener on Acid

Freebies – Memories

Spotlight:

  • Capitalism is a cornerstone of British society and it is a disgrace that it is slowly getting pushed out. That’s why the DUP will ensure that you have the freedom to choose what you want to do economically. – So what if I choose to not have capitalism? Fucking tit.
  • A 3% cut (in Land Value Tax) allows us to keep paying off our debt while you keep more money. This is a win-win for everyone, for you and the government. – How does less tax income mean the Government can pay off more debt? How is less tax a win for the government? Was school difficult for someone of your unique status?
  • The left wants to dry us of our budget now Watch out for the left and their fucking towels, trying to dry your budgets
  • Lower chance of recidivismThere’s that word again that no cunt ever uses outside of a manifesto and that nobody understands.
  • Another benefit of longer sentences for violent and sexual crimes is that they will not be released out of prison earlier and commit crimes again – Yes… thank you for explaining how prison time works.
  • The Commonwealth has been around since 1931, meaning it is clearly successful – Dysentry has been around since the Middle Ages, but let’s not get into this argument
  • I want to bring back memories – I hear Ecstasy is usually complicit in memory loss, considering the design of this Manifesto you might wanna stop taking it.
  • There isn’t a single Northern Ireland specific policy here, for this Northern Irish Party.

Overall – -5 out of 5, fucking abysmal. I can’t believe the Loyalist League signed off on this.

Social Democratic Party

Design – 3 out of 5, Clear use of colour but a bit too samey, Is this a Labour Manifesto? Nice policy snaps before the full section though

Reading Age – A bored Politics Undergraduate

Freebies – Some cash that I’m no longer spending on National Insurance

Spotlight:

  • People already pay large amounts of money for services like Sky and Netflix. – Netflix is a tenner a month you cheapskate.
  • Putting living standards at the front of our plan That’s why it’s on Page 17 of the Manifesto. Think before you type.
  • Support a referendum between the final deal and re-joining the European Union, because the British people deserve a say at last – Am I missing something? Did they not have a say in the last referendum and the subsequent elections? Twat.
  • In the last budget, the block grant was £5.2 billion lower than the last budget. – IS THIS A COMPARISON?!?!? /u/Tilerr
  • Fuck, they costed it. Where’s my calculator

Overall – 3 out of 5

Labour Party

Design – 2 out of 5, Nice colour, interesting shapes but text is all over the place with the ends of sentences being on different pages. The bold paragraphs are awkwardly restrained into small columns for no reason. Looks like a fuckin rush job

Reading Age– /r/iamverysmart – Not a fucking compliment.

Freebies – None

Spotlight:

  • Shift the economy away from the ivory towers of big corporations – Modern towers are glass actually. Skyscrapers and all that.
  • tax. Tax. TAx. TAX!!!!!!! How many new taxes do you want?!
  • Labour constantly mention policies before announcing policies. The National Industrial Service was mentioned two pages before the National Industrial Service Policy was announced, was this proof-read by Kermit the Frog?
  • A Britain Larger its Size – What the fuck does this mean? Are we missing a word? Is it a wise old saying?!
  • Expanding parliamentary representation to BOTs and Crown Dependencies Did someone say Air miles and expenses?
  • Explore and issue statements on new technologies that will help developing nations in Press Statements – Sorry Timmy, we were going to build you a well but we had to divert the funding to pay for training so President Mugabe could brief the press without sweating
  • I got bored at this point. It’s just text, text and more text all poorly formatted. It reads like the first pass on the ideas carousel rather than a developed and targeted manifesto. Fuck your 37 pages.
  • STOP DOING THIS FOR FUCKS SAKE, SORT OUT YOUR FORMATTING

Overall – 1 out of 5

Green Party

Content Warning: This is the single most batshit manifesto I’ve seen coming from a “serious major party” on MHOC. Prepare your fucking panties.

Design – 2 out of 5, Nice colour coordination, easy to pick out headers, decent font. Way too overboard on bolding though, everythings in bold, some of the spacing is fucking dogshit and the kerning is suspect

Reading Age – 14 Year old Edgy White Fascist who also likes Trees

Freebies – Ammonium Nitrate, Gelignite and maybe some Nitromethane

Spotlight:

  • Support the creation of the so-called ‘EU Army’ as an alternative to NATO – Leave NATO to join NATO Minus America? We’ll call it Mini-Nato.
  • Issue a full and unreserved apology for colonialism – Oh god, surely this can’t get any wor-
  • Transfer the Falkland Islands and Gibraltar to Argentine and Spanish control respectively. – WHAT THE FUCK. It seems the Greens hate self-determination AND Democracy?!
  • Leave the commonwealth – I am reading the MLRP Manifesto here? Did I get the wrong copy?
  • The immediate proclamation of the Republic of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. This will not require parliamentary approval – My god, they’ve gone mad.
  • The merger of local police forces in England and Wales into one national force, which will be routinely armed in the European manner – So the Greens support tear gas and armed police?! Jesus sweet fucking lord, has the Loyalist League infiltrated and created an ecofascist party?
  • Abolish free TV licenses for over-75s – Isn’t this a right wing policy?

Seriously. Fucking read this insane shit for yourself.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1fkp5n0uLW5xNnBiGQzsqB1j7X9tjZevk/view

Overall – -1 out of 5

Well that’s where we are for part one. Some truly insane bollocks. We’re seeing some parties overlap and some not give a fuck. Stay tuned for Round 2!

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.